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Not Nice Guys - The Texts

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I've been awesome

Updated: Jul 28, 2022

מיקרופון מול קהל

To Bert and Ernie

Bert invited me yesterday to a performance by one stand-up comedian, Ari-Paz Goldman, who's performing in person at the club. Told me he's already saw it twice and really enjoyed it. I was hesitant because after watching a number of stand-up shows - on stage, in TV entertainment shows and video conferences, I've already formed an opinion that there are some originals and many that are just shuffling.

Bert told me that the ticket price is affordable, that you only live once, and in general one should support art in these frenzy days. "Fine," I said, "I'd even pay your way, if only you'd stop the clichés."

I bought the tickets on my cell phone. On our way to the club, I was looking for videos of Ari-Paz. "It's interesting that I've never seen Ari-Paz appear on digital media. Is there a reason he avoids it?"

"Wait and see," Bert smiled as we entered the club. The hall itself looked intimate, with tables and chairs, a drinks and food bar and a raised stage.

We sat down at a table near the stage - I hesitated because most stand-up comedians like to rag on the audience when they have no inspiration, but Bert assured me that in previous performances he noticed that Ari-Paz doesn't do so.

The show began, Ari-Paz came to the stage wearing a dark blue three-piece suit, arranged the microphone, asked to turn down the spotlight, and then said, "I noticeth th're art some familiar faces h're. hurrah."

I sided with Bert while I grumbled, "Shakespeare? And I was wondering if he'd ask for anyone from Lower Uncton."

A moment later, Ari-Paz continued: "Doth thee knoweth the humour of being nam'd as 'Ari-Paz'?"

"A golden lion" I grinned. "How'd you know that?" asked Bert, against the gush of giggles, commotion and questions like "What did he say?" that was heard in the audience.

Ari-Paz told how as a child he's been whipping boy, how he was ridiculed and laughed at - mostly by his brother. Laughter filled the club, including me and Bert.

He told of the school, of being a rather industrious pupil whom the teachers liked and the pupils were unable to grasp, and at one point I let his words pass me as I examined the audience's reactions, and suddenly a cry was heard: "Would you speak proper English?"

Me and others looked at the middle table where I saw a guy quite similar to Ari-Paz, who blushed at the attention.

"Oh if 't isn't mine own brother," Ari-Paz responded with a half smile. "Despite the time passeth he hast not yet did get hath used to t." Laughter was heard in the audience and Ari-Paz continued: "Would thee like to knoweth whither's mine own haughtiness from?"

I raised an eyebrow and Bert nodded toward the stage.

The club was quite chilly but Ari-Paz's face shone. He took off his jacket and hung it on the microphone pole, then took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face.

"Can thee recall at which hour thou art in the shower and thy brother turns on the tap in the kitchen on bitter cold water, and thou art wash'd in a stream of hot water?" Laughter was heard in the audience, Bert looked embarrassed when I looked at him a little angry, recalling the situation from our own childhood.

"Doth thee knoweth the situation whither thou art burn'd out of the water and in a second findeth yourself in the kitchen, to the astonishment of thy brother - and yours, and art thee embarrass'd yond thou art nak'd and dripping with soap and water?"

Some of the audience laughed, some of them responded with "What?", I smiled at the image of the situation and said to Bert "Sure, in fantasy stories..." Bert responded "Wait."

"Doth thee knoweth the situation whither the bully in the classroom wanteth to hitteth thee and thee runneth hence, but as lief as he almost catches up with thee - thee findeth yourself in thy cubiculo, trying to pray pardon me to thy parents yond thee didst not runneth hence from school and aye, thee forsooth intend to wend thither?"

"Does he try to say-" I started, "Wait", interrupted me Bert.

"Doth thee knoweth the situation whither thee did forget the tuna and hard-boil'd egg sandwich yond thy father madeth and thou art very fill'd with pangs of hunger, but thee doth not has't chinks to buyeth aught to consume," voices of agreement rose in the audience along with anticipation, "within a moment thee arrive at thy kitchen and engluts the sandwich, did accompany by a cuppeth of cocoa with Athaea officinalis. Then thee returneth to school a few minutes ere the end of the breaketh?"

"Come on!" cried someone in the audience.

Ari-Paz smiled, and disappeared.

"Athaea officinalis?" I wondered, and Bert responded, "Marshmallow, oh Ernie! i've did check t ere!"

"Oh Bert, you speak almost as a Shakespearean!" I responded with a smile.

Five minutes later, murmurs were heard in the audience, and when I began wondering what was going on here and what would happen to the jacket, Ari-Paz's voice came from the direction of the entrance to the club, "Shalt either Statler 'r Waldorf, bringeth me mine own doublet?"

I looked at Bert who looked at me and our faces moved towards the entrance, where we saw Ari-Paz smiling smugly.

I was about to get up and bring Ari-Paz the doublet in question, when he appeared on stage, put it on and examined the audience. Then he smiled and said "I've been Awesome" - and disappeared again.


As I've searched, I haven't found anyone by the name "Ari-Paz Goldman"

I've used this English to Shakespearean translator for Ari-Paz lingo.

Image by Pierre Rosa from Pixabay


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